Beginners Guide to the Blues

This is a humourous beginners guide to the blues.

For a more serious look at the blues, there are many online guides, and www.blues.org is a great place to start.

Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

"I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."

The Blues are not about limitless choice.

Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs, not Audis or people carriers.  Other acceptable Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Leamington Spa or Norwich. Hard times in Grimsby is just depression.

Chicago, St. Louis, Mississippi and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping centre. Good places for the Blues are the highway, the jailhouse and an empty bed. Bad places for the Blues are trendy wine bars, theme parks and post offices.

No one will believe you have the Blues if you wear a nice suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if your first name is a southern state like Georgia, you're blind, you shot a man in Memphis or you can't be satisfied. No, if you were once blind but now can see, you have a trust fund, you're an accountant.

Neither Celine Dion, Robbie Williams nor Coldplay can ever sing the Blues.

If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues drinks are whiskey, cheap wine, beer. The following are NOT Blues drinks, any mixed drink, New World wines or fruit smoothies.

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.  It is not a Blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Annie Mae. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Lightning.

People with names like Sierra, Tarquin, and Rainbow will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Other Blues names (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)